There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
