He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
You made out with two different species that night
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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