I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
