i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
