i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
My life is pants optional.
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