My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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