I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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