the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
