Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
