remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
