Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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