I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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