i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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