Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
