connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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