No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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