Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
sex in a hospital.. check
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
