he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
