I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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