Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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