I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
