Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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