New invention idea: vibrating tampons
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
