have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
