you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
