My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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