Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
