Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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