i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
