Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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