so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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