im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
