guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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