Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
