I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
