Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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