After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
