This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
he thought i was a dude.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
