I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
