My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
