The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
