U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
