i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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