Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
