The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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