I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
