I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
