Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Randomize
