so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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