I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
