come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
