There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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